Premise:
The reason for the discussion is that you want to get closer to each other. If you didn't care you wouldn't be discussing anything. Therefore, this discussion is an act of love.
Here are some things to keep in mind.
1. When someone says "I want to talk to you," it automatically engenders a defensive reaction. From the very first moment that one partner wants to address an issue with the other, the automatic reaction is "What's wrong?" and often " What did I do (wrong)? That's a natural response probably rooted in childhood from a time when your parents were about to chastise you for something.
Because of the tendency to veiw each other as being critical, it is difficult to discuss a problem with an open mind and an open heart. The defensiveness gets in the way. So try to relax and remember that whoever is speaking to you cares about the relationship. That's why they're talking to you.
2. Deal with one issue at a time. For example, if you're discussing the issue of keeping the house clean, don't generalize it to who shows more care for the other. Stick with the one issue, cleaning the house, until it is resolved.
Keep in mind that some people have a thinking style that tends to wander. These are usually the artistic and creative people who often find itdifficult to follow a straight line of reasoning. If you are the organized one, you may have to help the other person to stay focused on the issue you're trying to deal with. Remind them with loving, not criticism.
3. Don't bring in examples from the past. This is a difficult discipline. When an experience is recorded in memory it always takes on certain distortions. When you recall a dream in the middle of a day, it's very different from when you wake up in the morning. Therefore, if you bring up examples from the past, you and your partner can easily get in conflict about whose memory is correct.
If you're talking about something that happens repeatedly, for example, someone who often comes home late for dinner, you can still deal with just the one time it happened. You can express how you feel about it and get the other person to understand your point of view. . They will hear you better if you don't bring in the past. In every courtroom where evidence is presented, the opposing side refutes the evidence. That's how things get tied up. Drop the evidence. You really don't need it.
4. Make a deal with your partner and make sure there is agreement. The deal is that if either of you begin to feel irritated or overwhelmed for any reason, either partner can request a pause in the conversation, and the request will be respected. This can be done by a symbolic gesture. For example, you sit opposite each other at a table. Each person has an empty glass or cup in front of them. When either person needs a pause, they turn the glass upside down. It is that simple. It takes a bit of self control to overcome the urges of the moment, but it is a very positive gesture.
The message behind the glass-turn is "I feel overwhelmed at the moment and I have lost my loving self in this discussion. Let's pause until I can get back to remembering and feeling that I care about you and you care about me."
This is a very effective tool to use in discussions and it takes dedication and discipline to stick with the bargain. It is important that during this time you stay in the room. Walking out can have a devastating effect on your partner.
5. Do not mention or imply ending the relationship, not even if that's something you're considering doing. When someone feels the threat of abandonment, they have an inner sense of panic, and their motivation is to get you to stay no matter what it takes. This is the biggest cause for manipulation and deceit. You don't need to mention leaving. Stick with the one issue that you're discussing.
The only time to have a discussion about leaving is when you are ready to leave. Never use it as a threat.
6. When you've covered one issue successfully, take a break. Hug each other or shake hands or say " Thank you ." One of the most frequent mistakes is to settle one issue and then jump to another one right away. If you do this it makes difficult discussions seem endless.
7. Celebrate - Following a resolution, buy each other gifts, send a note, go out on the town. This is called positive reinforcement. It encourages the partner to work with you at solving problems.
These are just a few techniques that we have found effective in helping couples resolve conflicts. If it were possible to communicate the heart under the words, resolution would be much easier. If you are trying to heal a wound in a relationship, it is important to convey: " What we have together is great--I'd like to make it better. Will you help me to make us better?"
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